[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
His flabber was gasted 😂
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
same bro
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath