[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
This is my favorite one of these!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that