Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

first you must answer his riddles

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

For the ones in the back.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

🤣

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky