Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Tastes like chicken.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.