[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
You Might Also Like
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
That lamp looks PISSED.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.