[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
You Might Also Like
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
you should be ashamed of yourself, is this how you want that email to find you ?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?