[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
You Might Also Like
Creative Problem Solving
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
happy valentine’s day to me