[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

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My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.


I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries


if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?


a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class


one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops


Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*


Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.


I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.