My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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I am a(n):
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The last time I day drank I bought a spaceship.
Me: Bless you
M: Bless you
M: Bless you
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.