[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
You Might Also Like
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?