[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

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[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*


My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”


This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour


I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.


I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool


I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids


Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.


My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.