[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week