Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.