Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Stop

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

i dont have time for this

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Incredible customer service.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years