[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

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Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you


I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.


“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.


I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”


If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.


Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.


I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator


dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth


dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that


I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.