@ArfMeasures

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

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@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@TravZA

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth

[later]

dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.