Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.