[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Yoga Matt
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH