[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.