[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Bloody internet 😳
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
never deleting this app.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?