[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday