[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?