[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.