Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women