Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.