[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Godspeed, John Glenn
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
hackers play passwordle
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.