*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
incredible google review i just found
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.