*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
A French press is when you hug naked
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.