*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Body by Oreos
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
can’t wait til they legalize outside
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Cinema or bowling
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.