Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Happens to everyone.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed