Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

need him

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.