Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”