Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up