Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

My dryer is celebrating lint.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

So that’s what we looked like?

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot