Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

San Francisco has too many rules

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.