Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”