being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Thinking about Jeff
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks