Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The cycle continues
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.