Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.