If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.