*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
At least my masseuse has my back.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.