*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You Might Also Like
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
philosophical skeletons be like
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?