Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”