Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

When I face a minor setback

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much