Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog