[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.