[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body