Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.