Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

Choose your fighter

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

#parenting