Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

lost dog

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”