[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
the three branches of government
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Maths meets science
Me when someone tries to get to know me
