Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

me in a relationship:

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

I’m good, thanks.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.