Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Ah..makes sense now

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.