[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
You Might Also Like
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
cry laughing at this shit
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.