[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Vodka burrito was a success
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
going to the ER y’all need anything
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*