[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine