Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)