Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
quarantine day 3
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.