Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
smh
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
spicy snake
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.