Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.