Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.