*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner