Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
found this cool rock hiking today
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line