[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*pokes sex life with a stick
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
