Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go