Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?