Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
lol
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.