Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

This is a true ally.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”