Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*