If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis