Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You Might Also Like
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.