Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
How all things should be taught/explained.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.