Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
im all 3
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally