Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg