Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

I see your IQ test came back negative

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!