Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Baller is short for ballerina
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
