I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now
Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night