Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
You Might Also Like
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
why I oughta
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
knights of the ikea table
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!