Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.