Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

new shirt idea

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

OMG 🤣🤣

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.